Insiders from the campaign of Republican nominee Mitt Romney are leaking a story that he is preparing to launch what theologians are calling “The Lie to End All Lies” to help swing the election in his favor.
Operatives from the campaign are tight-lipped about the specifics of the pre-election surprise – dubbed ‘Operation Pinocchio’ – but confirmed rumors that the lie will involve Fidel Castro, Romney’s unfiled tax returns, Jeremiah Wright, Obama’s forged birth certificates and college transcripts, the entire cast of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, the ghosts of Joseph Stalin, Abraham Lincoln and Amelia Earhart, a new line of electric Chinese cars called ‘Running Dog Motors’, a secret three-way affair between MSNBC pundits Rachel Maddow, Ed Schultz and Michelle Obama, and a Canadian health care official.
Romney has enlisted the help of right-leaning Canard Associates, the much-reviled PR firm that numbers BP, Koch Industries and Tom Cruise and the Church of Scientology among its clients. The campaign will launch an all-out blitz on every conceivable media outlet, from Fox News to PBS to Mayberry RFD reruns on Nick at Night to the Real Wives of DC, and has booked sociopathic liars Bernie Madoff, The Serpent from the Garden of Eden, Donald Rumsfeld, Dick Cheney, Oliver North, Satan (in various forms) as well as the guy in the apartment next door who cheats on his wife by telling her he’s at AA meetings.
“This is huge, huge,” said one celebrity who for the first time in his career asked not to be named. “It’s bigger than all of the “Apprentices’ combined, even the Celebrity ones – which were all trememndous rating smashes – and all of the Miss Universe pageants since 2004.”
“Let’s face it, most of the people in this country are fucking morons,” said a high-ranking Romney operative who said he wished to remain anonymous in case the strategy backfires. “They’ll believe anything they see on television, and it’s worked so far, so we’re pretty hopeful about this strategy.”
Democratic strategists agreed, and had mixed reactions to the news ranging from panic attack terror to uncontrollable laughter, but scientists from the Center for Disease Control allayed some Democratic fears by stating that the steady stream of lies told by the Romney campaign during the past year may have innoculated the public from harm.