In a move that detractors are saying will go down as the most coldly calculating and desperate maneuver ever attempted in a Presidential campaign, Mitt Romney will announce this week that he is renouncing his Mormon faith after “accepting Jesus Christ as his Lord and Savior”.
Romney insiders say that the robotic candidate “went completely berserk” after Santorum swept three primaries last week and started his surge. Romney began chain smoking ‘Lucky Strike’ cigarettes and chugging Mountain Dew before tearing off all his clothes and setting fire to his “magic underwear” – the traditional Mormon undergarment in his campaign headquarters.
After campaign workers calmed the Presidential hopeful and wrapped the naked Romney in bedsheets, he began fixating on the burning underwear and became mesmerized by the flames, muttering “burning bush, burning bush” to himself, say aides, before passing out.
The next morning Romney flew to Houston to meet Joel Osteen – the best selling author/ evangelist whose Gospel of “God and Wealth”, disturbs many theologians – to “come out of the closet about his Christianity”. Romney allegedly confessed to Osteen that Mormonism “is just silly”, and that he was “never really into it anyway”. Osteen will baptize Romney on the “Today” show sometime next week and will be announced as his potential running mate, in a move that analysts say may draw hard line Christians away from the surging Santorum – who is a less “pure” version of a Christian – a Catholic. Romney is expected to start running ads reminding voters of the Catholic Church sex scandals in time for Super Tuesday.
While some political analysts are “shocked and horrified by the sheer gall” of such a plan, Romney may have gained a new supporter, longtime GOP strategist Karl Rove. “Fucking brilliant,” said Rove of the Romney plan. “Satan and I were talking last night and we agreed, Romney might be a total dick – but he’s our kind of guy.”